know thyself

I am 39 years old and still figuring out who I am. I am learning about how I operate. My way of being is not linear, but more of a drunkard's walk. My expectations for myself have been to operate in a linear fashion, but that just is not me. And then tonight, I had an unexpected conversation with someone for the first time, and ended up getting introduced to Enneagram personality types. After a series of questions, my new friend told me that my dominant perspective, or type, is that of the loyal skeptic. Here is a short description:

A loyalist and team-player but also vigilant to threats from the environment. Warm and engaging, but often full of contradictions due to a defensive stance. An overly-skeptical attitude can produce self-doubt and indecisiveness.

I would say that is spot on. Amazing. And a little scary. Like reading a very accurate horoscope. Only this seems to be something that could help me to understand myself more. The thing is, this friend was introduced to this theory through work and has gotten introduced for free. I will see if I can find anything at the library. I am not coughing out the dough to take classes or anything.

have faith

this is worth watching... it gets quite interesting around 2:13.

Memorial Day

So, today I went to a Memorial Day party. It was nice. Lots of people and food.

Here's what I brought.


The drink is jamaica, which is a yummy agua fresca made from dried hibiscus flowers. The portobello mushrooms are marinated in olive oil, a little balsamic vinegar, some sesame oil with chili, a little beer, garlic, salt, and pepper. And then the beer bread. (The loaf I made last night was burnt, so this was made today.)

Here's Michael grilling up some burgers and the mushrooms...



the kids played b-ball...



I talked a good while with Elmer...



And met a sweet dog named Mickey...



It was a really nice gathering!

three-day weekend

Saturday I woke up at about 11:30. I got ready rather quickly and headed out about 45 minutes later. I went to my friend Robin's house, and we went to eat at the Bake and Broil. I decided around Earth Day to be vegetarian, but have not been too successful. First I thought I needed to at least eat anything and everything that I had in my fridge that had meat in it. I didn't want to waste any food. I mean, that does not save the planet or the animal that died to just toss it out. So, I had eaten a chicken breast and a few other things. But here I was at this restaurant that I had chosen, looking at a menu full of great choices. But most had meat. Unless I ate breakfast, my veggie options were a veggie burger or a grilled cheese. I went for the mushroom burger. That is, the regular beef burger with mushrooms. It was damn good. But shit. Now I need to revise my rules of eating. I am so confused. Do I allow myself to eat meat when I go out with friends? Am I morally weak? Do I simply have no willpower? I do like sushi. And fish in general. But I am really unhappy about what I know. I don't want other ocean animals dying so I can have a tuna sandwich. Well, I will torment myself later. That decision is going to be a difficult one for me to come to terms with.

After Robin and I played a couple of board games, I headed home. I took the dogs on walk. Cookie is doing better now, which makes me very happy. I started reading Twilight. Fun. And I listened to This American Life while I goofed off on facebook. And then I watched The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. It was not what I expected. I had totally forgotten what the movie was, apparently. I suppose I was expecting something sort of quirky and cute. But it was a somewhat heavy French movie. I liked it, but it was not really what I was in the mood for. I think I need to watch silly movies. Comedies. Not a movie about someone stuck in their body with no way to communicate other than blinking one eye. Hello... my Dad had ALS. Sort of hits close to home.

Today I didn't do much. Slept late, per usual. So, around noon I got up. I washed all three dogs, which felt like an accomplishment. I have the sweetest dogs. Each of them are so good. Chloe is adorable when she is all wet. And I blow dry her hair so she does not shiver. She gets so soft. Gracie will jump in the tub when I tell her it is time for a bath. She does not even like it very much, but she is obedient. And Cookie trembles and acts like she is terrified. But she lets me wash her nonetheless. We went on a walk, and Cookie was just overjoyed. She was leaping around like I have not seen in a while. That was fun. There is one section of nice grass in front of some condos a block away from home. As we headed back, Cookie decided to sit down there. So, I plopped down next to her in the shade. The other two joined us. We all sat there happily for a bit. One neighbor driving by complimented me on my pack and appreciated my taking a moment to enjoy the day. His wife gave me a thumbs up.

Tomorrow I have been invited to a Memorial Day barbque. I am bringing over six big portobello mushroom caps. I will marinate them in some yummy seasonings tomorrow. And I made some jamaica to bring to drink. And some bread too.... shit... it is in the oven... I forgot it. Oh well.

letting go

I have been working on a pattern of mine. One friend calls it being a "pain sponge." I think that description works well. I am going to do my best to put the focus on myself and not on other peoples' problems. I am not going to stop caring about the people I love, especially my sister, but there are other people who I am much less close to that I am going to forget about. This has been going on over the last few years. I think it is the right decision.

Because I care deeply for others and have a lot of empathy, I sometimes get pulled into other people's pain or needs. And yet, I have my own pain and needs sitting here waiting for some attention. I have found myself on a fairly regular basis in my life without people who I could depend on. Especially since breaking up with Todd in January 2006, I have been on my own. Sure, if I were in an emergency, I can call any number of people. I am talking about the daily kinds of things. I mean having someone to lean on when I get a parking or traffic ticket. Someone to help me tighten some bolts in my bed, which is coming loose. Someone to commiserate with me about a number of concerns. And lets add the fun side too. I could use some good times and some laughs.

Since the people I once thought were good friends turned out to be folks with very little interest in hearing when I am having a hard time, I have broken off with them. No more Frankie. No more Charlie. No more James. There are other people that I have given up on because I have no desire to keep pouring out energy only to get a wall or some other kind of resistance. I can take a hint.

So, that is the letting go. But what am I going to replace it with? I am going to pull myself up by doing some other things. I am going to become more disciplined on a number of fronts (sleep schedule, exercise, eating). I am going to set goals. I am going to rely on myself perhaps more than ever. I am going to say prayers whenever I feel weak or negative. I am going to ween myself from things that suck my energy and don't make me stronger.

ha ha ha

Oh my goodness... watch this video, and then the spoof below...



and now this brilliance...

Happy Mother's Day

I have this book of the best stories in Oprah's magazine, which includes a couple articles on Great Moments in Mothering. One fabulous little story featured was written by Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love. Her anecdote below of a situation with her mom is great!!!

How to Steal a Show
By Elizabeth Gilbert

When I was in the third grade, our class put on a play called The Lemonade Stand. Which told the story of, well, a lemonade stand. Which featured three little girls spending a lot of time waiting for something to happen. Which may sound like an avant-garde Samuel Beckett production but was actually just one of those generic plays written for third-graders, wherein all 25 kids in the class get to say at least one line. Except for the three female leads, who, naturally, get to be onstage, selling lemonade, and speaking the whole time.

Now, I don't want to boast, but I was a formidable performer back in the third grade. My older sister and I had already produced dozens of plays in our living room, and my voice was capable of projecting power-fully across the school auditorium (and everywhere else, I'm afraid), so there was no question in my mind that I was a natural choice for one of the leading roles. Nonetheless, show business is a cruel mistress and I did not get cast as one of the starring lemonade girls. What I got instead was the part of Mrs. Fields—the only adult character in the play. Surely this made sense to Mrs. Domino (the director of this production) because I was about 11 inches taller than everyone else my age. Fine, except that Mrs. Fields was one of the smallest roles. Mrs. Fields had exactly two lines.

Was I angry? No—I was shattered. And in my sorrow, I did something so completely out of character that I still can't really believe it myself: I walked up to Mrs. Domino and basically told her where she could stick her stupid play. And then I quit the stupid play. And then I sobbed for approximately the next seven hours.

This is where my mother comes in. Such moments of high distress are true tests of parenting. My mother is not a saint or a paragon; she's just a woman who, like many mothers, tried to do her best with her kids, sometimes failing, sometimes succeeding. But this was the moment of my life where she succeeded perhaps most brilliantly, where she really did it right.

First of all—what she didn't do: She didn't charge into the principal's office demanding that her daughter be given a better part, nor did she congratulate me on having quit the play, saying, "Yeah, screw Mrs. Domino." She never indicated that the three-headed monster shouldn't have been given the starring role, nor did she allow my letdown to feed her own insecurities, worrying that her child (therefore, she herself) was a failure. And, of course, she'd never have dreamed of scorning my sorrow with a comment like "Buck up, kiddo—crap happens. Now go get Mommy another beer."

What she did do was to assemble an extraordinary step-by-step program of loving reconstruction. First came solace. I sobbed, she soothed. But—in childhood grief, as with the adult variety—solace is beneficial for only so long. Which is why my mother finally wiped my nose and asked, "Don't you want to be in the play, sweetheart?" I did! But I wanted to be one of the three starring lemonade girls! Or nothing!

Yes, she agreed, naturally. But given the reality that I couldn't be a lemonade girl, wouldn't I feel left out to be the only child who wasn't in the play at all? I hadn't thought of that. I hadn't imagined what it would feel like to watch as everyone else had fun putting on a play.

"Sometimes the smallest parts are the most unforgettable," she went on. "What if you and I made sure Mrs. Fields was really memorable?"

As my mother laid out her cunning plan, I could almost feel the tears crawling back up my cheeks. But first, my mother said, I had to apologize to Mrs. Domino for having called her a stupid stupid-head, and humbly ask for my part back. I agreed, shamefaced. The next morning, though, when I made my nervous apology to Mrs. Domino, she was like, "What? Oh, yeah, no problem." It was as if she had no recollection of my massive personal drama. (Thus handing me yet another important life lesson: Nobody's really paying that much attention to your massive personal dramas.)

Over the next month, my mother threw herself into helping me create a Mrs. Fields who would never be forgotten. Or at least that's how it felt to me. Looking back on it now, mind you, it occurs to me that she probably had other things going on besides her 8-year-old daughter's play. She had, for instance, a small family farm to run, a nursing job to maintain, another daughter to raise, and a marriage to attend to. But I didn't notice any of that. Because somehow, in those four weeks, she made me feel as though she had nothing better to do than run my two boring lines with me constantly, as though we were rehearsing Ophelia for the Royal Shakespeare Company. We experimented with accents, motivations, and fancy walking styles. Best of all, at a local thrift shop, we found an awesome Mrs. Fields costume—a vibrant pink vintage ball gown with matching high heels, purse, and sun hat. (A particularly noticeable getup, given that no other kids were wearing costumes.)

Opening day: The play droned to life. Bored parents fanned themselves in the audience, straining to hear mumbled lines. When I exploded onto the stage, as confident as (and dressed rather like) a drag queen, I could feel the crowd pop awake. Towering over the cast, I sashayed toward the lemonade stand and drawled languidly, "May ah have an oatmeal cookie and a glass of lemonade?" (The honeyed Southern accent had been my mother's brilliant, last-minute suggestion.)

The audience hollered with laughter. Still in character, I drawled my next and final line ("Thank yoooouuu!") to the three dumbfounded stars and began my exit. But—not so fast. The audience was still laughing, still loving this 8-year-old Blanche DuBois. And that's when I had a clarion revelation: They still need me! This is when I made the charitable decision to give the crowd just a little more Mrs. Fields. Instead of heading for the wings, I swished back to center stage, dropped an imaginary quarter on the lemonade stand, and ad-libbed, "Keep the change, sugar. "

From the May 2006 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

Wasn't that great? And if you want to see more of Elizabeth Gilbert's wisdom and talent, and dare I say... genius, watch this 20-minute video from the TED conference in Long Beach earlier this year. Her talk addresses the deeply personal process of creative ventures, and to what or who we attribute the inspiration and source of the creative output. Very interesting.

Lanvins

I just learned what Lanvins are. I saw this photo of Michelle Obama wearing some cool sneaks on the 100th day...

Cute. So, I looked them up. At bluefly they are $500 on sale, and that is not even for the cool colors Michelle had. At Barneys New York, they are $540-565. On ebay, everything Lanvin was $500+. Good God. I have never had that kind of money. And if I did, I don't think I could bear to spend it on a pair of shoes. I am not saying Michelle shouldn't be stylin', not at all. I am just a wee bit blown away that these sassy sneakers are so expensive. It's all relative, I know. I am just not related!

dinner with friends

Sunday night I was invited to dinner at my friends' Theresa and Vito house. It was really nice. The other guest were Fahria, her husband Sourojit, and Kartik. It was such a great mix of people. Theresa and Vito are vegetarian and Kartik is vegan. I am working toward being vegetarian, so I was excited that the meal would be vegan. Theresa said everything she made took under 15 minutes to make, so that was encouraging. I tend to think it has to take a lot of effort to make a good veggie meal. She made baked sweet potatoes, grilled portobello mushrooms, a salad with mango and raspberry vinaigrette dressing, and this yummy dip made from pureed white beans, brocolli, and walnuts. We had soy ice cream with strawberries for desert. And Vito served his homemade beer.


Before dinner, I got to meet Vito's and Theresa's chickens, Ethel and Lucy. They were so sweet. I really liked holding them. It was not easy taking a photo, but here is one of Ethel.


We talked about movies and alternatives to fossil fuels. Solar seems to be the way to go. For there to be enough nuclear energy for the whole planet would require more plutonium than exists. But solar energy is doable. I like being around such smart people. I always learn something.

So...

The street cleanup went well today. I really had nothing to do with it, which made it even better. More than 100 people showed up, and they collected almost 600 pounds of trash. This all came about because the Green Team's annual street cleanup got rained out in February. (Thankfully, this morning the weather was fine. No rain, as projected yesterday.) The school the Aquarium partners with, Cesar Chavez Elementary, had expressed some disappointment at the cancellation in February. When people asked me when the next one would be held, I expressed under no uncertain terms that I could not and would not organize another street cleanup, so various other people stepped up and got it all coordinated. Yay! All I had to do was drive the already loaded flat bed truck there, help to set up, staff the event, and break it down. There were lots of volunteers, so it did not seem like the big ordeal it has in the past. In fact, I had no feelings of exasperation and exhaustion at all! The street cleanup really has become an event the Green Team, the Education Department, and the Aquarium in general are invested in. I am so happy it has gotten to this stage and I only hope it continues for a long, long time.

So, I am a little bummed that it seems I annoy people. I don't imagine I can go through life having everyone completely in love with me, but more and more lately I am noticing that I seem to put folks off. It is as if I am behaving in some unitended way that offends or irritates this person or that person. I hate being misunderstood. It makes me cringe, and I am honestly getting a little paranoid about it. Sometimes I want to say, "What?" many times a day. Today was one of those days.

I have to remind myself that I am not the center of the universe and people's reactions to me could have more to do with them than it does with me. I tend to notice people practically rolling their eyes when I am taking leadership of something and someone is not liking my direction. In some cases, as in my job responsibilities, I have felt I just have to get comfortable asserting myself and standing by what I think, even if someone seems to think I am being anal or overreacting. Another thing is I kind of feel like I live in a vacuum. Without family nearby or a boyfriend or a lot of people I see regularly outside of work, I probably read too much into casual comments that people make. So, I need to let it roll off of me, but also don't want to ignore feedback I am getting if I am becoming somehow hard to be around.

I was planning to go to Texas to visit my mother and grandmother for Mother's Day. But because of my dog Cookie having a serious health problem as well as a lot on my plate in general, I cancelled my trip. I am glad I did. But I also know I need a vacation. I am looking forward to when my mom is coming to visit me in June. I hope to plan some relaxing and rejuvenating day trips. Suggestions are welcome.

bleh

I have nothing to say, really. All my news is bad news, and I don't want to just gripe and gripe and gripe. So, I will post my horoscope instead. It has been on target so often it is mindboggling.

You are seeking an emotional connection that has real meaning to you now, but the intensity may be even more than you can imagine. As much as you want things to be simple, you are eager to explore unfamiliar territory today in search of love. Taking a risk and sharing your feelings with someone you trust requires courage, but it might result in your discovery of a precious gem that can help to heal your heart.

Oh, and Saturday morning is a street cleanup I will be staffing. The forecast calls for showers. I have to be up at the crack of dawn and be there till 1:00 p.m. Oh joy.