Where's my Mr. Neely?

Yummy!

I love watching Down Home with the Neely's on the Food Network. In addition to being a cooking show, it is a testiment to a good relationship. What I love is how they are such a team and they communicate so well together. They constantly use little terms of endearment, and it is all so perfectly sweet. These two are so in love! And I know it takes work and they have put in lots of effort over the years.




Every time I see this show, I think, I want a man like that! Now, I am no homewrecker and I don't want someone else's man. But I want my own Patrick Neely. My twist would be that I want someone who is traditional and a family man while being liberal. How can I find someone who has those old school values but is also not conservative? Not an easy mix to find. But those guys are out there!

not so spacious

My room is small. I share the living room and kitchen with three other people. So, this is my space. Mine and my three dogs, that is. When I am home, I often want to be alone. So, all of us (me, Cookie, Gracie, and Chloe) are in my room. I find it challenging.

I have a twin bed against one wall. So that the dogs can get on the bed, I have a square footstool that is used as a step and a set of steps for Chloe (which she does not use unless I am sitting on the footstool).

I sit now on the footstool. To the left, against another wall, there is a white metal shelf, the kind often used in garages, to put my folded clothes on. Next to that is a rack to hang more clothes on. That is it. Nothing else fits on the wall: head of twin bed, shelf, rack.

The wall facing me has a set of french doors that open onto a small patio in the back. I like that, on nice days, I can open the door and let Cookie, Gracie, and Chloe go outside while I am working. So, from the left to the right, this wall has the width of the rack of clothes, then a tiny white shelf with a door, then a night table with my small TV on it. Those all together are about five feet across. This covers one of the doors going out to the patio. Can you envision this? Then there is the door I open. It has a shoe rack hanging over the glass panes. To the right of that, there is not much room left. The little space that remains is where I lean an ironing board. This bit of wall does not go all the way up to the ceiling, as this part of the room is where the stairs to the second floor go, leaving a sort of triagular wedge in the corner.

That brings us to the wall to my right. Starting from that "arched" corner, you have the closet. Well, it is kind of a closet. It is essentially a nook under the stairs. If I was not in such dire need for space, I would make it a room for the dogs. I have a few items of clothes in there, but to get to them I have to bend over and scoot into the closet. I have banged my head enough times to know I should only put things in there that I do not need too often. Next to the closet door is an armoir. It has some room to hang some more things and three drawers. Nice to have some storage that is not open and revealing everything. My room feels enough like a closet as it is. There are two narrow shelves next to the armoir, one for junk and the other for cds. Then there is the door to my room from the house. If you are standing in the door, you are standing at the foot of the bed.

So, tonight I have been easily annoyed for some reason. I sat down on the footstool to eat and to watch a little television. Cookie is licking herself. I put aside the TV tray, on the floor since the other two dogs are on my bed, and go put on the collar for Cookie. I sit back down on my footstool, put the tray back on my lap, and now Cookie wants to sit on the bed. I have to get up so she can jump up. You get the picture.

One day, this bed of mine will be just an extra bed I have in a guest room for out-of-town visitors. The metal shelves actually will be in my garage. The rack and armoir will be donated to someone who needs them, as my home will have walk-in closets. I will have a beautiful dresser with plenty of storage for my folded clothes. The lap desk I am using now will only be needed if I want to sprawl out on the sofa in the living room, and it won't have to serve as my desk ever again. Not much longer. I will be moving into that spacious home soon. I have to at least believe that.

"fine"

How many times do I have to be reminded that people don't really want to know how you are when they ask? I feel so foolish. I just told someone that I was okay but worried about several people who are ill, and I told her briefly what was going on. The look on her face made me feel as if I needed to check myself into the psych ward. Next time I will smile and just say, "I'm fine!"

ebb and flow

Over the last few years, I have had lots of changes in who I consider my friends. I have decided that just because I have known someone for 20 years does not mean we are best friends. I have chosen to let people go who were only willing to be around me when times were good and easy. I have cut out people who have continually criticized and judged me. And there are some people who have drifted away that I did not necessarily want to lose.

I have also had a nice influx of people. It was scary deciding to move on from some friendships, to resist the urge to stay connected, but it has turned out that there are other more fulfilling relationships to take their place. That is not to say I don't miss the ones who are gone. But it wasn't working, no matter how much I tried or cared about the person. And it is funny how once it is over, I can look back and see how it was messed up for longer than I cared to admit. Suddenly I recall how disappointed I was time and time again.

For instance, I can't expect my friends to remember my struggles and how my heart hurts for the serious health challenges my sister lives with every day. I can't expect people who are trying their best to offer encouragement to know what I need. But it does bother me when I have told people about something and then I am essentially told it is all about attitude or something. I need them to be able to see the real limitations that exist and not tell me that things that are highly unlikely are possible just because I want them to be different. Sure, I would love it if Nicole were suddenly healthy and neither of us had any money issues, but the truth is, she and I have some problems in this regard. So, please don't tell me "where there is a will there is a way." I am open to possibilities and dreams. That is why I want to move to Portland and open a jazz club. But come on. Don't tell me I can afford something I can't or that somehow it is my fault.

Of course, I am not perfect. I know I have areas that could use lots of improvement. But I am not one who is unaware or unwilling to change. I try. I do my best to be honest with myself. I reach out and give to others whenever I can.

I think I just have to be realistic. Some relationships are not meant to last as long as others. Some are just short enjoyable little bursts. Others are deeper and go further. Some can even hurt, but growth occurs. No matter the type or length of time or the value of the lessons learned, I am going to work on letting go of the past and enjoying the wonderful people I have in my life now.

no joke

I try not to worry. There is no point in it, is there? What comes of worrying? Only my own exhaustion, right? Nothing positive really manifests, I don't think. Unlike anger, there is no energy that accompanies it to channel into something productive. But, as I have mentioned to people who know me, I am concerned about my sister's health on a regular basis. I wish there were answers where there are none. I wish there was something I could do to make it better. And I don't want to be numb to her pain and suffering either. I am lucky to have her in my life and try to be grateful. But when I hear of her daily challenges, one after the other, each different than the one before, all while taking a million precautions and therapies, it just frustrates us all when she still finds more and more unpleasant surprises around the corner. Sometimes I worry.

Recently, I decided that I would quit calling Todd "my ex" and to start referring to him as my friend. He was once the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, although our romantic run turned out to be seven years long. My heart was absolutely broken three years ago when we it ended. But time has gone on... and Todd and I have made an effort to be in each other's lives as friends. I care for him deeply and we have a lot of mutual respect and admiration. So, for his birthday on Tuesday, we went to a movie (The Watchmen). I was happy to hear about what a good birthday Todd had this year. He also mentioned that he is seeing someone. He has been single since we broke up, and sounds like he finally met someone he is really interested in and vice versa. I am genuinely happy for him. He deserves it. It seems like the transition to our friendship is complete now. While I have dated since we broke up, I have been working through things as I meet new people. Todd decided to work on things before getting into another relationship. Surely his way is cleaner.

Taking time out of dating is something I have been doing recently. I have gotten off of match and have not been on a date since last October. While I would love to meet someone, I have other things to focus on now. So, a break is in order. I would be fine with it lasting a year or so. I need to set some personal goals and stay on track. There's plenty of time to date later.