ebb and flow

Over the last few years, I have had lots of changes in who I consider my friends. I have decided that just because I have known someone for 20 years does not mean we are best friends. I have chosen to let people go who were only willing to be around me when times were good and easy. I have cut out people who have continually criticized and judged me. And there are some people who have drifted away that I did not necessarily want to lose.

I have also had a nice influx of people. It was scary deciding to move on from some friendships, to resist the urge to stay connected, but it has turned out that there are other more fulfilling relationships to take their place. That is not to say I don't miss the ones who are gone. But it wasn't working, no matter how much I tried or cared about the person. And it is funny how once it is over, I can look back and see how it was messed up for longer than I cared to admit. Suddenly I recall how disappointed I was time and time again.

For instance, I can't expect my friends to remember my struggles and how my heart hurts for the serious health challenges my sister lives with every day. I can't expect people who are trying their best to offer encouragement to know what I need. But it does bother me when I have told people about something and then I am essentially told it is all about attitude or something. I need them to be able to see the real limitations that exist and not tell me that things that are highly unlikely are possible just because I want them to be different. Sure, I would love it if Nicole were suddenly healthy and neither of us had any money issues, but the truth is, she and I have some problems in this regard. So, please don't tell me "where there is a will there is a way." I am open to possibilities and dreams. That is why I want to move to Portland and open a jazz club. But come on. Don't tell me I can afford something I can't or that somehow it is my fault.

Of course, I am not perfect. I know I have areas that could use lots of improvement. But I am not one who is unaware or unwilling to change. I try. I do my best to be honest with myself. I reach out and give to others whenever I can.

I think I just have to be realistic. Some relationships are not meant to last as long as others. Some are just short enjoyable little bursts. Others are deeper and go further. Some can even hurt, but growth occurs. No matter the type or length of time or the value of the lessons learned, I am going to work on letting go of the past and enjoying the wonderful people I have in my life now.