change

Have you ever considered how much the past influences who you are today? I know plenty of people who hold the idea that the past does not matter unless you decide that it does. But things that I did not even put any particular emphasis on in the past still seem to be affecting me more than 20 years later. In particular, I am thinking about my sleep issues as of late. I easily stay up to anywhere between midnight and three a.m. and then don't get to work until noon the next day. Thankfully, I can work from noon to eight and no one seems to mind, but I am sure it would be better if I was there the same hours as the rest of the team.

Here is the back story. I used to have to get up very early for high school. I took a bus that had 16 stops. It was the bus for both my high school (the High School for Health Professions) and the High School for Performing and Visual Arts. So, I had to be on the bus at 5:30 a.m. My dear mother took it upon herself to get me out of bed each morning. I would resist with all my will. Five more minutes, five more minutes! I would beg. Somehow, instead of getting pissed off, she obliged me. She would say, Alright, let me fill a bath for you. When the warm bath was full, she came back. I refused again. Now she would bribe me with breakfast. The third time involved coaxing me with coffee. So, I got plenty of reward for being resistant and not getting up. I suspect this is part of my issue today. I know there is the circadian rhythm to contend with, but maybe I need to create some more compelling incentives for myself.


This is an example I feel somewhat comfortable sharing with the wide world, but there are others that are probably of equal difficulty that I would like to change. As I look at myself and try to improve (which is something I do a lot), I often find looking back to be insightful. Not many people want to hear about it, so I am grateful for those in my life that do listen. There are only a few. I can count them on one hand. Hopefully, I am making progress, even though I often feel I am treading or sinking.