thanks

This year has been challenging on many fronts. I have gotten sick, had dog issues, been really down about my friend Jeanne being sick and dying, been really worried and stressed about my sister, and have been trying to find a job in Portland. Over time I have dropped out of life in Long Beach a bit. I have stopped going to church. I have somehow become even more remote and tangential among people at work. For the most part, I have succeeded in becoming pretty isolated. So, I just wanted to give a shout out to those of you who have continued to reach out to me and let me know you care. It really matters. You know who you are. And I love you back.

Yay for LA!

Yesterday I got to go to a taping of The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien! My friend Christopher called me around noon saying I would need to leave at 2:00 p.m. to head to L.A. if I wanted to go. I called my boss and told her I would work this weekend to make up the lost day of work. How fortunate am I to be able to do that?

Once we were sitting in the studio at Universal City, we were warmed up by the band and a quick talking dude who told some jokes. Everyone is so incredibly talented in the band. They came off the stage and walked among the audience, sprinkling magic dust on us. Of course the drummer had to stay on stage, and I noticed that he wasn't wearing shoes.

Conan's opening set was funny. I liked his Aerosmith joke was a good one. And in the Year 3000 skit, Andy Richter had a good joke about the Republican introducing a new version of the health care plan with an alternative to the public option being designed for poor people to go fuck themselves.

Al Gore was the first guest. He was promoting his new book, Our Choice: A Plan to Solve the Climate Crisis. Gore wrote a companion book for kids too. Of course, Conan had to tease about putting the kids to sleep with stories of waning natural resources and impending environmental disaster. Even Gore laughed, but then he was quick to turn it around and share a story of how it was once believed we could not put a man on the moon. Even President Kennedy declared that it would be impossible, but eight years and two months later Armstrong did it! Gore noted that the average age of the systems engineers in Mission Control in Houston that day was 26, so 8 years earlier they had been 18. Young people today can get involved today much like they did then. Of course, I think we all need to get involved, but trying to get young adults to make choices now as to what they will study and what direction their careers will take is important to realize is a big resource.

Next Jim Parsons came on. He is so cute. I feel like I know him, which is strange. He is just so relatable to me. His personality does not seem that different than the character Sheldon he portrays on The Big Bang Theory, but I think he is a lot nicer. Then Jason Mraz came on and sang a song with the San Diego's Voices of Praise Choir. Really good. Like the Tonight Show Band's drummer, Mraz was barefoot too. The whole episode is online here.

After all that fun, we were both hungry. Christopher was nice enough to take me out to dinner at Roy's. Lucky me! We started with lobster potstickers that were divine. Then we had a really interesting and tasty version of a Caesar salad. For our entrees, Christopher had the kobe beef meatloaf and I had katsu porkchops. And for a decadant dessert, we shared a pumpkin mousse. So yummy!

lessons of loss

Someone I knew committed suicide on Monday. Somehow I feel I am not allowed to talk about this here in such a public forum, so I will not give any details. Even though this person and I have not been in touch since February of this year and I last saw him in person in October 2007, I feel the loss. And also, having suffered from lifelong depression and having had suicidal thoughts myself (long ago), this hits me in a way that is somehow informative and even personal. I am grateful to have made it. I am lucky to have had opportunities to find and use the resources I needed. I am fortunate to have the kind of personality, issues, or whatever that basically made it compelling for me to reach out and seek help. I see now that it is not just that people fall through the cracks because of a lack on the part of friends, family, and community. Some people are unable to share their pain with others, and suffer in silence without ever letting on to others what they are dealing with. Some people's silence is not even obvious, as they stay busy and productive and even appear happy and outgoing. Some people do not have the good fortune to learn that how one feels when you are profoundly depressed is not how it will be forever. And some people think that the way they feel is a result of their own failings and messed up life and not something that can be fixed. Having known personally three people now who have taken their own lives, I feel deeply troubled by all of this. I don't think there is anything I could have done and I am not blaming myself, but I also think there are many things to learn. I am not sure what I will do other than go to his memorial services, but I can't just act as if nothing happened.

what never was

A few years ago my friend Erin introduced me to a friend of hers, whom I will refer to as H. Erin and her now husband Ron, me and my friend Christopher, and H all went to see a movie. It was an intense and gritty film called In America. Afterwards, we chatted a bit before all going our separate ways. I found H intriguing because she seemed to march to her own drum, she wore quirky clothes, and spoke intelligently. I also knew from Erin that she is a writer.

On another occassion, I bumped into H as I was walking somewhere. She was with her son and they had just gone to a breakfast place that is near where I used to live. We exchanged pleasantries and she said we should get together for coffee. I was interested and looked forward to getting to know her better.

Yet again, another time, I bumped into her at It's A Grind. She may not have remembered me right away, but we reaquainted ourselves quickly. Later, when the Aquarium was hosting a series of poets, Erin asked H to come read her work. I did not go, but I wrote the introductory speaking points and learned more about her. When Erin got married, H read a poem that she had written for the couple. Again she made a big impression with her purple tights and bold personality.

Time went on, and at some point it seems that H and I had another interaction. I am not sure how it started to develop into more of a friendship, but I just recall helping her with questions she had about her blog on a few of occassions. We talked on the phone and I walked her through how to do things on her blog. It was a bit hard because I was at work and I was having to blindly walk her through it. My officemate, who is quite saavy on computers, kept looking at me dumbfounded at the things I was having to painstakingly explain.

Once H's blog got up and rolling a bit, I followed it. I found that she expressed a lot of sadness and seemed quite lonely. I felt for her because I have been in a similar state of mind quite often. At some point H was looking for work, and I sent her information about various websites she could try where she might find some freelance writing and such.

After Todd and I broke up, I was quite miserable and alone. I tried to cultivate new friendships and often had H in mind. For my 37th birthday in 2007 I invited her to come with me and a few other friends to see a show at The Warner Grand in San Pedro. It was quite an unusual experience and it was a lot of fun. Afterwards we went to dinner at a great Greek restaurant. The four of us enjoyed each other's company and laughed a lot.

Later that year, I was excited that I got a story published in a virtually unknown journal that someone I know put together. I posted something about it on this blog and also sent out an email to some folks. H responded to my email saying that she would like to read the story. I was honored and sent it to her. She gave me some brief feedback, and then asked me to read two of her stories in return. Well, I really felt strapped for time and I honestly didn't want to read her stories, one of which was entitled Rape. Time went by and I neglected to read her stories and provide feedback. I felt badly about it and apologized, and she inquired a time or two, noting that it had been quite some time since she had sent them to me.

An opportunity arose to go to a fabulous concert at the Alex Theater in Glendale. I was able to get free tickets and also was going to be able to go back stage after the performance to say hello to the performer, who is a friend of the family's. I invited H and two other friends. Beforehand, we all went to dinner. We had a great time talking about all kinds of worldly events. Then on the drive to the performance, H says that she is truly shocked at how long it has taken me to read and respond to her stories. She elaborates on how she accomplishes so much in a day and would not dare to leave someone hanging like that. I was offended, as here I was inviting her to a very special event and she decides to call me out in front of my other two friends for being negligent in reading her unsolicated work. I spoke up and explained I had been busy, and she countered me, not letting it go. It really bothered me and I was quite offended.

Within a few days I read H's stories and carefully commented on them. I put them in an envelope and hand delivered them to her doorstep. I got a card thanking me and saying she had not expected me to go into such detail with my feedback. I later told her how upset she had made me with her comments in the car in front of my friends, and she exclaimed how sorry she was. Her reaction was over the top and somehow did not feel authentic, although it may have been. She said she really did not mean to offend me and that perhaps she should buy me a gift to make up for it. I told her to please not do that and that we should just move on.

At this point I was pretty much done with H. But from reading her blog on occasion, I was learning that she had some pretty serious health issues. I felt badly that she still seemed to be so lonely and that I lived so close to her and yet was not lending any support. I thought of my sister and how isolated she is. I thought about how much it means to my sister when people reach out to her. I felt that perhaps it would be good to reach out to H and not try to be friends, but simply try to be a good person. I kept trying to appreciate the things about her that I admired, such as her points of view on politics and her interest in things like the community garden.

I started commenting more frequently on her blog. When I found out that a professor of mine was having a play he had written performed in LA that happend to be about dialysis and some of the things H was up against, I took a chance and decided to see if she wanted to go with me. It turned out she was planning to go already with another friend of hers. She invited me to go along with the two of them.

On the day of the play, H and I drove to LA and met her friend at her house. Her friend made a beautiful lunch for us and I really liked her pad. We went to the play and listened to a Q & A with the director and my professor afterwards. Later, H commented on how she had never known of a playwrite who seemed to need so much apparent input from the director before. I found that to be kind of a jab at my professor, and I think her friend may have also sensed this. She jumped in immediately to his defence. I honestly felt H is sometimes unaware of how insensitive her comments can be.

After that, I only interacted with H on her blog. I would comment on things she posted, and she would not respond. But after comment from me on her blog, she would go to my blog and leave a comment or two. Her comments were often a bit strange. She would say things like, "Oh, I read this and thought is was the most amazing thing you've written, and then I realized it was because someone else wrote it." I tried to take it with a grain of salt, but sometimes felt snubbed.

Finally, the relationship came to its inevitable and long overdue end. I was happy to decide to let it all go, but her little reference to it on her blog, was yet another little rub. She said:

I have parted ways today with a woman with whom I have had strained relations
from the get-go. We met through a mutual acquaintance a few years ago. She
frequently wrote things (we communicated primarily through e-mail) that I found
condescending, and I frequently wrote things that insulted her. She probably
didn't mean to be condescending, and I really tried not to offend her. It's as
if we spoke different languages and so didn't understand each other.

Innocent enough, I suppose. I just feel weird and misunderstood. And I was never told by her that she found what I was saying to be condescending. When? I know a few of my comments on her blog were not in accord with what she probably wanted to hear, but I was being honest in my assessment of what she was seeming to want feedback on.

I tried my best and I am letting this go. No more reading her blog. She and I were not meant to be friends, and that is okay. I wish her well and truly wish she did not have to suffer from her health problems and lack of a partner for whom she longs so deeply.

new look and a book

Just a quick update.

I recently cut my hair. I like it and have gotten tons of compliments. I have also had a couple people let me know they don't like it. Thankfully, I don't care what those paticular folks think.

On another note, I miss Jeanne. She continues to be in my thoughts and I wish she were here. It's hard to get used to her not being at work. I happened across this article in the Gazette that I was happy to read, as it has some quotes from Jerry, the Aquarium's CEO. Also, I am so honored that I received a book that was Jeanne's. It is called Souls Grown Deep, and it was given to her in gratitude for the work she did on a capital campaign for the American Folk Art Museum. It has inscriptions to her in the front. Wow. Jeanne was so amazing. I don't think I can even fully appreciate it right now. I think every time I pick up this book I will be remembering Jeanne.

International Climate Change Day

Saturday, October 24 was International Climate Action Day!

There is a group called 350.org that organized more than 5,000 events world wide to get the word out that we need to reduce our carbon emissions to 350 parts per million, as opposed to the almost 390 ppm that we currently emit. This is a big deal and even the Aquarium is on board. We have an annual event called Scarium of the Pacific to celebrate Halloween this weekend. As part of the event, we will have a 350 component with the message that "Even Goblins want to be Green!" I came up with that, thank you very much.

For our 350 action, we set up a table each for adults and children. At the adult table, we had the magic planet set up, which can show various states of the ocean planet. What does it look like with all the ocean water drained? What does it look like at night, with only electric lights on. How does it look if we show the biomass in the ocean? And what about showing the areas most at risk for sea level rise? That sort of thing is handy when talking about climate change, of course. We asked people to fill out a postcard to send to President Obama to let him know we want him to stand up and address the challenges of climate change. And at the children's table, we asked kids to write on a banner, stating what they want to do to help the planet. The Green Team dressed as an athletic team, wearing green shorts, head bands, and wrist bands and a Green Goblins team tshirt.

I was there for only a few hours. While many folks agreed we needed to do something, one man challenged me, asking if I had ever been out of the country. He was trying to make the point that the United States does more than anyone else, and he is simply wrong. He asserted that if you litter on the freeway in the U.S. you will be fined. Sure. I hope so. And your point is...? What does that have to do with it? Does he know that China and India signed an agreement to reduce their emissions? I pointed out that the U.S. did not sign the Kyoto Protocal and that we need to be prepared to get on board for the Copenhagen climate change meeting. He countered that it will be too expensive to do anything about it. He ended up walking away from me while I was talking, while saying I was still holding out hope for the polar bear. I admit, my final plea sounded kind of pathetic.

There was another aspect of this interaction with this man that bothered me. The tables for 350 were set up in a little nook where there are sofas for guests to sit and take a breather. A woman, presumably this guy's girlfriend or wife, kept coming over and peeking at the table where we had the magic planet and the postcards. She seemed interested. After a quick peek, she meekly ran over to her man and told him a crumb of information. She did this a few times. So, I decided to go up to them and tell them what we were doing.

I brought over one of our postcards and explained that we would send them to President Obama to let him know we feel the issue of climate change needs to be addressed. The woman looked open and curious, but the man was giving me a disapproving look. As soon as he started objecting, she began to look timid and uncomfortable. There was sexism slathered all over this scene. I could sense the woman just wanted things to be harmonious and would not dare to contradict or question her boyfriend's views. So, he wins.

I know another woman who seems to take her husband's attitude against the reality of climate change as a reason to avoid the topic altogether. So, in the process, I doubt she really knows what she thinks about the issue herself. So much is sacrificed in the name of avoiding a fight. That seems to be a big way that sexism perseveres. Luckily, the world is not waiting on climate change naysayers and deniers to address the reality that is at hand: sea level rise, ocean acidification, increasing numbers of storms, drought, and so on.

My friend Christopher went to an event in Manhatten Beach. A photo of it was shown in Times Square. He took some fabulous photos. You can see all of his other 350 day photos here. The one below sums up the point of the day nicely.